Peace and Love, Man...

What with my mum being a bit bothered by the earthquakes and all, I'm sure it will comfort her to learn that we are living in the 5th Most Peaceful Nation On Earth (and more than a little bizarre that we came from the 4th Most Peaceful). But it's official, according to the barmy statistics compiled by the Global Peace Index, and reported with some gusto in Japan.



Top of the 'not bothering anyone lately' pile is Norway. No surprises there - the Norwegians wouldn't say boo to a goose, and it's over a thousand years since the Vikings strutted their stuff around Europe. Just a cursory check of their monarchy over the years tells it own story - the short-lived but fierce-sounding Eirik Bloodaxe (930-934) succeeded by the likes of Magnus the Good, Olaf the Peaceful, Sigurd the Soft, Noggin the Nog (OK, the last two aren't real). Norway just pipped New Zealand, who are just too bloody far away from anybody to cause any trouble.

But Germany at number 12? Two places higher than Switzerland, those very paragons of neutrality who haven't upset anyone, ever? Surely not? I would imagine that getting a serious pasting in a relatively recent and major worldwide conflict has to dampen one's ardour for international conflict, but having your military capability completely dismantled as a result would be the more likely reason. Rather like Japan.

On the face of it, Ireland is a bit of a puzzler, given that these people have been fighting the English, and each other, for 800 years. But then I'm sure the distinction will be made between North and South, turning a blind eye to the fact that the South was essentially the ammunitions dump and terrorist hideout for the conflict in the North for so many years.

But it's all peace and love in Northern Ireland these days, and I think I know the reason - water rates. Although we've been away for almost a year now, I've been following the news back home, and the evil English finally hit paydirt with their cunning plan to charge people in Northern Ireland for their water. This is a completely normal and uncontroversial tariff in most places - we pay for our water here, no problem. But the Emerald Isle is so-called for a very good reason - it pours with rain all the time. Ask an Irishman to actually pay for water and all hell breaks loose. Before you know it, Paisley's cosying up to Adams and Mad Martin's his second-in-command at Stormont, collectively outraged at such a monstrous violation of human rights and threat to rising house prices. If only the Brits had thought of that all those years ago. They must be kicking themselves.

And who's that languishing at number 96, sandwiched between Yemen and Iran? Yes, it's the United States of America - the latter-day Flashman of the Third World. But don't worry guys - if you can just manage to reduce those non-UN military deployments over the next year, you should be able to give Guatemala a run for its money in 2008.